Ahhh, children…they’re something ain’t they…
On a good day, they can be darling, adorable little angels from the sunniest part of sweet, sweet heaven.
On a bad day…well, on a bad day kids can be evil, merciless devils from the deepest, darkest bowels of burning, stinky hell…and I say that in the nicest way possible.
Before you assume I hate children (and I do, but only a little), remember that I myself am a mother of 3 sweet babies that I would kill and die for…that being said, kids can be dicks, no use denying it, and zombie kids are bound to be way worse little a-holes than normal children.
Unlike regular zombies though, the little infected buggers in Cooties, the first feature by directors Cary Murnion and Jonathan Milott, seem more like the enraged nonbies (I totally just made that word up) from 28 Days Later, only with slightly more purpose. Mind you most of that purpose is to kill and eat all adults, but they do also have the sense to open doors and smash phones, so they are tiny but efficient instruments of death…and who doesn’t love those?
The instruments in question are the kiddies of Fort Chicken Elementary (no I didn’t misspell that), who fall victim to some nasty, plague carrying cafeteria chicken nuggets (the preparation of which in the first minutes of the film I could have lived a VERY full life without EVER seeing) and transform lightning fast into wheezing, scabby killers thanks to a poultry borne virus that affects only those individuals who have not yet gone through puberty. The subject matter is touchy of course, mainly because the zombie children aren’t put on time out, they’re killed just as readily as full grown versions would have been…unlike other zombie movies/shows however, the dispatching of the miniature walking dead in Cooties is funny as fuck…seriously, the “eat a cock” truck scene (you’ll know it when you see it) is epic, just epic.
The script by Ian Brennan (who has a small but friking priceless role as the Vice Principal) and Leigh Whannell (the writer of Saw and Insidious, who also costars) is sharp, hilarious and full of the sort of grotesque moments one would expect from a man of Whannel’s credentials, although admittedly there are moments when the whole thing falls flat. Still, the few dull scenes that are filled with unnecessary drama are few and far between and the rest of the film more than makes up for it.
It helps that the absolutely top notch cast are just perfect as a ragtag group of trapped summer school teachers who all seem genuinely terrified when faced with an army of man eating children. Elijah Wood, Rainn Wilson, a phenomenal Alison Pill, a reliably hilarious Jack Brayer and a thoroughly underused Jorge Garcia (as a crossing guard way WAY high on shrooms during the carnage) give it their comedic all and the results are a genuinely fun horror romp that I can’t help but wish was a tv series so it just wouldn’t have to end.
Now playing in theaters everywhere and also available on VOD, Cooties is one fall flick you don’t wanna miss…and just for fun, here’s the trailer.
Lemme know what you thought of Cooties horror fans, and as always gimme some virtual lovin’ and click that Like button 😉