Black Christmas (1974 & 2006)…Simultaneously the Very Best & Very Worst Holiday Horror Movies!

There are some things in this world, sacred things I believe, that man must not fucketh with…classic horror movies that I love are one of those things.

 

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And yet, for some reason that I am certain involves a vendetta against me personally, studios continue to remake, re-imagine and repeatedly crap out ungodly cinematic abortions that have no business being made. This makes me cranky, real fucking cranky…tragically however, my displeasure doesn’t seem to hinder anyone from pumping out more crap.

it’s a curse to be powerless…bah

So when I heard that one of my all time faves was to be remade, I was perplexed to say the least. You see, Black Christmas is one of the greatest horror films ever made.

Period.

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It’s an absolute classic of the genre, and remains effectively terrifying to this day as much for it’s subtlety as for it’s horrifying subject matter. Director Bob Clark brought together a wonderfully believable cast, and surrounded them with the charm of a festive winter setting and then, from the very first moments of the film, has a deranged, faceless killer come unnoticed into their midst. Although that may sound formulaic now, you must remember that this was the film that originated the “killer in the house” plot. If I’m not mistaken this was also one of the first movies to be shot partially from the killer’s POV, a style that I still find really unnerving.

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To me, Black Christmas is also the first herald of the season. I watch it every December while trimming my tree and it’s a holiday tradition at my house. It just doesn’t feel like Christmas without it and quite frankly it never, ever gets old. If you haven’t seen it I heartily recommend it, it’s a heartwarming holiday must-see…well, for horror buffs anyway.

The remake, on the other hand…well, let’s just say that the remake is a bad thing, a very bad fucking thing…like someone peeing on the tree or eating all the cookies, it’s an unwelcome addition to the holidays.

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Grrrrr…I feel the need to slap everyone involved!

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TV producer Glenn Morgan both wrote and directed this inferior reboot, and I’m willing to bet cash money that the writing process involved taking everything that worked about the original and doing the opposite. Oh, and as per remake tradition, let’s throw in an abusive mother back story, show the villain as mistreated victim of circumstance and remove any shred of the mystery that made this villain so frightening. In glaring contrast to the original, this Black Christmas is as dumb as a bag of dicks and as subtle as an Eli Roth movie (but nowhere near as good).

…you know, I often wonder if filmmakers think the movie going public are a bunch of drooling dumbasses that will flock to any ill-conceived piece of crap they chose to hurl on to the screen…that sounds about right.

Sigh…

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Did I mention the villain is yellow? No? Well the fucking villain is yellow, like mustard yellow…rare liver disease they say…uhuh, says I. That shit might have worked in Sin City, but in this case it’s just an obvious attempt to make the killer appear more sinister. In the original all we ever saw of Billy was his hands and one eye and that was enough to give me nightmares the first time I watched the movie. Col. Mustard here on the other hand just ends up looking kinda dirty, like he’s got a fucked up skin infection…oooh spooky…bah I say!

There’s also some random acts of cannibalism (for no reason other than shock value), porn level dialogue, a male actor portraying a woman(?), some gruesome and simultaneously boring as fuck death scenes and a house full of horrendously unlikable characters that are right out of the horror movie stereotype handbook.

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Had they called it something different, like “Bitchy Sorority Girls Die…oh and also it’s Christmas”, it STILL would have sucked a fat, hairy nutsack and been a straight up terrible fucking movie, but at least then I perhaps would not have despised it as much…well yeah I would have, but more than likely I would not have bothered to watch this shitty flick if it hadn’t been titled Black Christmas.

So let’s all take a page from the book of Horror Chick (metaphorically speaking) and pretend that the 2006 version of Black Christmas does not exist (which I’m sure even the cast would be willing to do). Instead, let’s all watch the original, scratch that, the one and only Black Christmas from 1974 and bask in the warm, festive glow of this yuletide classic, cause nothing says Christmas like a little holiday sorority slaughter.

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