Deadgirl (2008) & Why Boys Shouldn’t Play With Dead Things

Sometimes, if one is fortunate enough, you stumble upon a movie that answers one of those ageless questions that all of mankind has asked at one point or another. In the movie Deadgirl, the question is “What would a duo of teen boys do with a living dead chick that they found tied to a gurney in an old, moldy, abandoned hospital?”

The answer, of course, is have sex with her…

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Obviously I was kidding about the question being ageless.

But seriously, why the fuck am I not surprised? If you haven’t seen this indie horror starring Noah Segan (who I totally love in almost every movie I’ve seen him in) and Shiloh Fernandez (who is very pretty but to whom I am completely indifferent), then you’ve got no clue what I’m referring to here, but lemme tell ya from right off the bat, this shit is disturbingly fucked UP!

Still sure? Alrighty…

So, our two leads (Rickie and JT) play hooky from school one fine, sunny day, and in typical adolescent fashion, they find some dark and dank spot to dick around in. The spot in question is a big creepy hospital which pretty much screams “come in and catch malaria, oh and also you’re gonna die here”…so of course it’s the perfect place to spend the day.

A few hours into their fun little escapade, a vicious guard dog appears (out of frikin nowhere) and the boys are forced to flee into the basement, where they find a locked, boarded up room in the bowels of the hospital…and of course the only thing to do is open it. Cause nothing says SAFE like a room that’s been locked the fuck up! Uhuh…inside there is a dead chick (Jenny Spain, who spends the entire movie stark naked and mute) strapped to a gurney and wrapped in old plastic wrap (seriously, no way anyone could mistake the fact that this woman has been under there for a long fucking while) and the boys decide that the only thing to do is unwrap her and then feel her up (are we meant to believe that all men are really this vile?) Well, in all fairness Rickie enables the situation(which is just as fucking bad), it’s JT (Segan) who decides to do the groping…and then the shooting (oh yeah, they shoot her, so they know for sure she can’t die) and then the raping…and then the “pimping” out of the dead chick.

I don’t know about all of you, but horror movies have taught me a thing or two over the years, and one of those things is that one shouldn’t play with dead things…or have sex with them…unless they’re hot vampires (not fucking Twilight). Why don’t people in movies ever watch movies? Cause maybe then they’d know a frikin zombie when they try to screw one.

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I may be making light of the subject matter, but seriously speaking if one removes the fact that the victim is not actually alive, then what we’ve got here is a movie about a woman imprisoned in a basement who is repeatedly raped and tortured by multiple adolescents, very few of which show any remorse whatsoever…I guess the fact that she is a zombie just made it easier to stomach…scratch that, no it didn’t.

Horrible things happen in Deadgirl, horrible things are perpetrated by almost everyone in this movie and almost no one gets any reprieve; there are no good guys here.. This is not a fun horror film to watch…but that being said, I have to admit that although the subject matter is rough and the dialogue is so shitty that I could barely get through one scene without rolling my eyes, most of the cast was actually very good and that alone was pretty much the only thing that kept me watching this rather craptastic flick.

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The standout of course is Segan, who is thoroughly compelling in the role of the teenage villain of the piece, even if his character is so completely despicable you wanna punch him in the face every time he’s on the screen. Fernandez on the other hand lacks the range and gravitas that the role of unwilling accomplice required, and unfortunately his acting style seemed to consist mostly of confused looks and frowns so forced that he looked less conflicted and more like he just really had to pee…but he was the prettiest one there (and that includes the girls).

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Fun Fact: Early in the movie JT punches Rickie and splits his lip, and amusingly enough that split keeps moving around. Seriously, it’s never in the same place twice. Hurray for bad continuity…and writing…and directing (so many close-ups, the movie was practically shot up the deadgirl’s nose).

Right…so I can’t recommend this movie, to anyone, ever…no.

I mean, yeah, it had some good qualities, mainly in casting, but fuck, I can watch Noah Segan in lots of better movies, so even he isn’t a plus here. And frankly there are just too many inconsistencies, like when people start to die off, no one seems to notice. Also when one idiot jock is “tricked” into mouth raping the deadgirl and she bites part of his penis off (good for her), the bite turns him into a zombie, at which point he craps out his intestines (yeah, that’s a sight I could have easily lived without), but no one outside of the rape circle thinks to say: “Hey, you know what, people don’t just crap out their vital parts, something is not right here”…and yet…nothing. Everyone just goes on with their lives…really?

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This is really just a terrible movie, and in case you’re wondering, I really hate to say that cause I always feel really bad about giving a bad review…but fuck, directors Marcel Sarmiento and Gadi Harel probably didn’t feel bad about subjecting the world to this crapfest, so screw it. This movie sucks ass, the only reason to watch it is…uhhh…well, there is no reason I can think of…Deadgirl is not a movie worth watching, so save your time for something better, which in this case, is pretty much anything.

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