Horror Quickie: The Pyramid (2014)

Sigh…

You know what? Fuck this fucking movie! No I mean it, this movie sucks so much that I am now totally disillusioned. I may need to do something drastic here to get over this crap, like become a mad super villain and use my wicked powers to destroy every copy of this wretched flick…or just pretend it doesn’t exist like I do with every other movie I dislike…whichever.

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Why am I so upset, you may ask, since I watch tons of terrible horror films? Well, cause this one is directed by Gregory Levasseur, that’s why!

Who the fuck is Gregory Levasseur?

He is none other than the screenwriter responsible for High Tension (2003), P2 (2007), Mirrors (2008) and one of my very faves Maniac (2012). Those of you who have been following this page may recall my endless raves about the stellar genius of Maniac and the phenomenal performance by lead actor Elijah Wood.

So after all that awesomeness behind him, of course I was psyched to watch Levasseur’s directorial debut…sigh…unfortunately someone else wrote this script.

So what the bloody fuck went wrong here? Everything, that’s what!

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Here’s the gist of this stinker…Father/daughter archaeology team have discovered a “new” pyramid below the sands of the Egyptian desert using satellite technology (a huge deal is made about this, as if remote sensing hasn’t been a major part of archaeology since the 80’s). Unlike the pyramids of Giza, which are four sided, this one is oddly three sided (dum dum duuummmm, remember everything different is bad…also the three sides would technically make this a tetrahedron, but  digress). Of course this whole thing is happening during the Egyptian uprising so these plucky archaeologists MUST leave their dig site immediately or blah blah blah. Of course they decide to enter the pyramid instead and in doing so unleash an ancient blah blah blabbity blah which will destroy them all…or something.

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Let me just say this, the “great evil” inhabiting this ancient structure looks like a fucking cartoon, we’re talking like The Rock at the end of The Mummy Returns, only lamer. Considering that almost 15 years and a lifetime’s worth of technological advancements in special effects separate these two films makes it all the more inexcusable…seriously, a guy in a rubber suit screaming “boo” would have been scarier. Did I mention the evil lurking cannibal cats? They are exactly as stupid as they sound…stupider even.

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The Pyramid stars Denis O’Hare, who I absolutely loved as Russell Edgington on True Blood and in his various turns on American Horror Story, and I am willing to bet money that he was blackmailed into making this movie by lunatics that had kidnapped his whole family…no one will ever convince me otherwise, so don’t try. Other people are also in this movie, but unfortunately no one performance was impressive enough to warrant stalking through their IMDB profile…nope, not even trying to be mean here.

Coming in at just under 90 minutes, The Pyramid has (at the very least) the decency to be over with relatively quickly, but otherwise this is one scare-free, uninspired, unimpressive piece of donkey poo (yes it is) that should do the world a favor and be unmade. Since I am a master of subtlety, it may be unclear that I really did not like this movie, but I really really didn’t. Save your time/money/brain cells and watch The Mummy Return or Stargate or ANY other pyramid related film instead and let this inexcusably bad flick fall into cinematic obscurity where it belongs.

Seen The Pyramid and have a different opinion? Can’t wait to hear it, so share your thoughts in the comments below and don’t forget to do a girl a prop and click that Like button 😉

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