The Scarehouse (2014)…A Few Fun Scenes Can’t Save This Scare-free Mess

All women, as a general rule, have the (sometimes effortless) ability to become huge fucking bitches. Now don’t hiss and get testy ladies, it is a fact that all of us have a barely leashed uber-bitch lurking just below our civilized surface, kinda like a hidden superpower (of sorts) that can be used for good as well as evil…although let’s face it, evil usually wins out. And of course never are we at our bitchy worst than when we are in a group, and much like an army of pre-menstrual ninjas a group of women together can be a wicked and dangerous thing indeed.

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Now being on the receiving end of that much bitchiness can be a harsh and traumatizing experience, and depending on the situation, can sometimes alter the course of one’s entire life. The two main ladies of The Scarehouse learn all about that when a group of sorority sisters devise an initiation prank which goes horrifically wrong (natch) and lands the leads in jail for manslaughter.

Question…I’ve never experienced the whole sorority thing outside of horror films, so I wonder, are sororities really as evil as I imagine, or is all just blowjobs and bulimia?

Moving on…

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Elaina (Kimberly-Sue Murray) and Corey (Sarah Booth) are finally freed two years later, and the pair leave prison with nothing but vengeance on their minds…inventive, bloody, often surprising vengeance. I like me a good female revenge flick as much as any other horror junkie and I gotta admit some of the scenes were just crazy funny/shocking, but…well, apart from the morbid fun of watching a chick get corseted to death or another have her implants cut out, the movie was actually pretty dull.

Were that not bad enough, Scarehouse was also jam packed with dialogue and references meant to sound cool and edgy but that just ended up sounding painfully awkward. One particular line sticks out, spoken by Booth as she prepares a glue and glass covered dildo (which she refers to as “prison sex” and is then never seen/mentioned again) made no sense whatsoever and I’m pretty sure the dildo scene was concocted as an excuse for her to spout her “hip” witticisms, because otherwise the whole scene was pointless. The line is question, which is in response to Elaina commenting on how Corey’s glue/glass phallus is a new level of depraved, is: “Everyone gets the same advice when they turn 13, if it burns too much, you’re screwing the wrong people”.

…What???

First, not cool…Second, bitch I dunno what you were up to, but at 13 I’m pretty sure I was still playing with dolls not dildos.

Sigh…

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Right, so the whole concept of revenge in a funhouse was interesting enough (although how one skinny little girl was supposed to have built the whole place in like…what, a month and a half, is beyond me) and the first few acts of vengeance kept my attention (oh my gaawwwwd that girl in the corset can screeeeeam), but the script was weak and filled with empty zingers and shallow dialogue, usually delivered with an emotionless irony that was no doubt meant to showcase the disaffected cool of the characters but instead glaringly highlighted certain cast members limited range. Sarah Booth specifically, who as co-writer/producer/director’s wife had way more screen time than anyone else was, at rare times, natural and fun to watch, but mostly her performance dripped with irony and any time the role called for emotional depth or restraint she only managed scowls and tight-lipped enunciation. I’d like to say that the script was at fault, but Ms. Booth was one of the people responsible for its inception sooooo…I’ll just leave that there shall I.

Co-star Kimberly-Sue Murray seemed to have a slightly better handle on her role and played the part with equal measures of vulnerability and steely determination, a much subtler performance than Ms. Booth’s to be sure, but also more accomplished and believable…although I was totally distracted by her resemblance to that girl from Ginger Snaps. Not Katherine Isabelle, Emily Perkins…am I the only one who noticed that Murray looks like Perkins’ taller red-headed sister? Just me? Probably…

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I was gonna try to say something nice, but it’s late and I’m too sleepy to think nice thoughts and quite frankly this movie is as bad as they come. Still, a few of my friends really enjoyed The Scarehouse (although I’m not sure why), so you may wanna give it a try and see for yourselves. And sure it’s badly written, mindless, insipid, the characters are unlikable and the surprise ending is unbelievably dumb, but there are plenty of movies far far worse than this one out there (I see you The Pyramid), and at least The Scarehouse does boast some entertaining deaths and one the lamest and most generic pop soundtracks I’ve ever heard to look forward to….ummm yay?!?!

Have a peak at the trailer above horror fans and do let me know what you thought of The Scarehouse…and as always click that Like if you’re enjoying my stuff 😉

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