My first mistake of the evening, was finally giving in to my (inexplicable) urge to watch the third (and hopefully last) movie in the wildly popular Human Centipede series.
My second mistake, was when I absentmindedly started munching on a Caramilk bar while I watched this unbelievably disgusting movie…consider this a PSA people, do NOT eat anything, especially chocolate while taking in this flick. Seriously, what was I thinking?
Now for those unfamiliar with The Human Centipede, possibly because you’ve been living in some remote wooded area and keeping a journal of your thoughts for the last decade, this is a series of movies about, well, poop. Die hard fans may tell you that there is a story and a point and meaning and blah blah blah, but really, these movies exist for one reason and one reason only, because people are nauseatingly fascinated by poop. That’s right bitches, we’re even MORE fucked up than we thought we were.
Now now, don’t get testy, I admit that I’m just as messed up as anyone else who willingly watches this shit…pun intended.
The first Human Centipede, was by far the best of the series…which is kind of like saying it was the prettiest poop in the bowl…and German character actor Dieter Laser was pretty much the only reason I was able to watch until the end. With his haggard, kinda terrifying appearance and his balls to the wall crazy performance, he was a genuinely frightening villain that I for one would NOT have wanted to run in to on a sunny street, much less a dark alley.
Side Note: If you’re stranded on the side of the road with a broken down car, and Dieter Laser answers the first door you knock on, would you willingly walk into the house? Fuck no you wouldn’t, so that made no bloody sense at all.
Unfortunately, the 73 year old actor seemed to have forgotten how to act in the last five years, or he just plain lost his damn mind, and instead of the menacing, layered performance he gave us in the original, he spends this entire film screaming racial slurs and sweating and making me wanna hurl…and that’s way before anyone starts getting the centipede treatment. On the other hand, Laurence R. Harvey, whose hideous work in the second installment was so unbearably repugnant that I lost my lunch and couldn’t eat for almost a week afterwards (but I did lose 7 pounds, so thanks Lawrence), in this new installment sports a hitler mustache, but is still a likable, far less icky character in comparison to his German counterpart. Believe me, that was not difficult to accomplish, but I was surprised to say the least.
Alright, now that I’ve mentioned how fucking gross this movie is, I might as well tell you what it’s about. Dieter Laser is a fucking psycho prison warden with big problems controlling the criminals in his care, and Laurence R. Harvey is his right hand man/accountant who follows him around saying dumb things like “Sir think of the medical costs” whenever Dieter does something horrible to one of the prisoners (like boiling water boarding or forced castration…fyi he eats what he removes). Harvey is a fan of The Human Centipede movies and comes up with the idea of making a giant centipede with all the unruly prisoners, and to make this dream a reality he calls an insane poop fetishist for help, director Tom Six, playing himself. If only Mr. Six had ended up at the tail end of the centipede, this might have ended up being the feel good movie of the year…alas, it was not to be.
Ugh,,,I am really not enjoying myself right now.
This is a flat out terrible movie. Unlike the original, whose saving grace was both the cast and the fact that we saw nothing of the nastiness that transpired, and instead were left to imagine the worst parts (which, let’s face it, was fucked up enough for most of us) this movie shows us plenty of shitty things which are really no fun to watch. The second movie went to far more unbearable extremes, but that one at least had the decency to be in fucking black and white…okay, now that I think of it, part 2 will always be the worst part by a long shot, but this movie is still fucking awful.
I think this was supposed to be a comedy, some attempts at humor were made and swiftly fell flat, so the only thing Tom Six has managed to make here is an unfunny, unscary gorefest with no point and even less reason to exist. It’s sad almost, as Dieter Laser’s epic performance in the first film will, for me at least, forever be overshadowed by his awful turn in this atrocity, and he’s not alone. Tragically many of the supporting characters in the film are played by actual actors with solid film backgrounds (seriously Eric Roberts?), so I’m going by the assumption that they were all kidnapped and forced to perform in this wretched mess. Heck, even pretty former adult performer Bree Olson seems far too accomplished to be doing little other than getting felt up by Laser (which is too icky for words).
In the end The Human Centipede 3: Final Sequence falls victim to it’s own hype, fans who are expecting something more extreme than part 2 will be sorely disappointed as this one is fairly tame in comparison, and fans of the original may find themselves wondering why they remained loyal for so long. I for one am not a fan of this craptastic series, so I’m fervently hoping that this is it for this shitty franchise, and as for the final installment, it’s awful by anyone’s standards and like its subject matter, unfit for human consumption.
Do let me know what you thought of this crazy flick horror fans and as always, give A Girl’s Guide to Horror some love and click that LIKE button 😉