The Boy Next Door (2015)…A Bland Mess from Start to Finish

Hmmm….

Ummm…okay, here goes nothing.

Although obviously meant to be an edgy, modern thriller about the dangers of obsession (and sleeping with teenage boys), The Boy Next Door is really nothing more than a showcase of Jennifer Lopez’s charms (which are admittedly plentiful) in a variety of flattering outfits and in varying states of undress…so in that aspect this movie is very similar to the vast majority of J-Lo’s previous ones…in case you’re wondering, this is not a good thing.

Which is such a bummer, because I really loved her performances in The Cell and Out of Sight (but come on, who didn’t love those movies), and I really do think that JLo has the potential to be a really/sort of/possibly good actress, but let’s face it, she can’t pick roles for shit.

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In this latest attempt at cinematic credibility, we find Lopez playing high school English teacher Claire, a scorned wife whose husband of 18 years (a robotic John Corbett) cheated on her with a secretary who “smelled like chocolate chip cookies”. I’m guessing that last bit was meant to be sexy, but seriously 6 year olds and sweet old grandmas smell like cookies, cookies aren’t sexy.

What IS sexy however is the hot, hot, super HAWT new young neighbor Noah (Ryan Guzman) that shows up just when Claire is feeling at her most vulnerable, and despite being only 19, young Noah manages to wow his lovely older neighbor with his knowledge of classic literature. Unfortunately the duo have very little chemistry, so the whole sordid situation is barely believable as they stumble along clumsily until the pivotal seduction scene comes along.

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And what a scene it is! Staged with all the finesse of a late night soft-core porno (you know the ones I mean), the seduction of Claire is so wooden and unsexy it’s almost laughable. Guzman does his best to be irresistible (I guess) and although JLo keeps saying how “wrong” the whole thing is, Noah exerts slightly less effort to seduce Claire than I would normally require to seduce myself. Of course vulnerability is to blame (when I feel vulnerable I just eat ice cream), and after a night of sexy couch time JLo realizes she made a big mistake playing hide the penis with the neighbor kid and breaks it off. The rejection, of course, unleashes Noah’s inner psycho and hilarity ensues.

Side Note: Don’t you just fucking hate that in movies, when the woman just “can’t” say no to the dominant male…bullSHIT! If you’re a grown ass woman and don’t WANT to be seduced you walk the fuck out. The whole “I accidentally fell on the teenage neighbor’s dick” thing is so fucking outdated that it’s actually kinda embarrassing to watch.

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Speaking of embarrassing, the brazenly unoriginal, TV movie rip-off of a first script by former attorney Barbara Curry is full of so many eye-rolling awkward moments, it seriously makes me wonder how (or why) this crap even got greenlit in the first place since it has all the finesse of a late night B-movie with none of the fun that make those flicks bearable.

By far the most disturbing thing though, is the mystifying presence of Broadway superstar Kristin Chenoweth, who is normally an absolute delight to watch but with so little to work with even Ms. Chenoweth comes off as wooden. I’m just going to assume she was forced to do this movie due to some contractual requirements and leave it at that.

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I guess what I’m trying to say is that this movie is pretty awful, so awful in fact that I feel a little dirty for having sat through it and I kinda wish I’d have found something (anything) else to do with my time rather than sit through this drivel.

The Boy Next Door is a definite contender for one of the year’s very worst movies and is, in my opinion, a wholly avoidable experience. Should you venture to check this one out however, you’ll be pleased to know that its convoluted storyline is so blessedly forgettable you probably won’t remember it for long anyway.

 

Have you seen The Boy Next Door? Let me know what you thought of this flick horror fans, and as always be a bloody peach and click that Like button.

 

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