Really Keanu Reeves, really? After everything we’ve been through, after the unbelievable, badass awesomeness that was John Wick, THIS is what you’ve got for me now?
Sigh…I’m so totally disillusioned right now.
Alright, here goes, the short fucking version…Keanu plays Evan, a supposedly devoted husband and father who, while home alone, lets in two stranded, beautiful women (Lorenza Izzo & Ana de Arnas) and after 30 minutes of sexy teasing he accidentally slips and falls right into their vaginas.
Don’t you haaaate when that happens?
Hey, I’m sure most men (yes most, don’t lie to yourselves) would easily fall for these stunningly beautiful women’s charms, so Evan is no better or worse than any other guy at this point in the flick. Also, as a bonus, we’re treaded to an unnecessarily long sex scene with plenty of gratuitous nudity (both male and female) for our viewing pleasure…all three main stars are physically gorgeous so this is pretty much the least painful to watch scene in the whole movie.
Unfortunately, after a night of vigorous sport fucking (which at 50+ years of age is not all that likely for the guy without chemical assistance), Evan awakens to find that the sexy young nymphs from the night before have shed their playful flirtatiousness and are now hell bent on destroying him and everything he holds dear.
The concept is not uninteresting (it’s also not original and is in fact a remake of a far better movie from 1977 called Death Game) but director Eli Roth does nothing with the possibilities or the talent at his disposal, and what’s meant to be a tense psychological horror falls flat before the games have even begun.
Not to mention that for some unfathomable reason, Keanu Reeves, an actor I’ve almost always loved watching, comically transforms into Nicholas Cage in the cinematic abortion that was The Wicker Man three quarters into the movie and proceeds to chew every piece of scenery on the Chilean set.
And Eli Roth…dude, seriously, what the fuck? Hostel 2 is, in my opinion, one of the most sublimely perfect horror films ever made…but since then…what the fuck? I am so genuinely in hate with this flick that I can barely form a sentence and find myself growling as I type this…I swear another, like, 7 or 8 movies like this and am not gonna watch any more of your stuff…how’s that for assertive.
Since I am a master of subtlety, it’s possible you’re asking yourselves if I liked Knock Knock, and the answer is a resounding no. Plainly put this was not a fun, interesting or even mildly entertaining movie and the only feeling it managed to invoke was irritation. Irritation that I had to sit through this tedious crap, irritation at the convoluted script and more that anything, irritation because I know for a fact everyone involved from the director, to the screenwriter and most definitely the cast could have done so much better.
Worst of all (spoiler ahead), when we reach the finale and the lovely villainesses finally lest slip their reason for torturing Evan and destroying his life, the reason (they wanted to seduce him to see if he would refuse them and because he DIDN’T they had to make him pay) is so goddamn stupid and so unbearably pointless that I felt genuinely cheated for having sat through 90 minutes of shit just for that.
Unfortunately there is so very little in Knock Knock that’s worth the trial of sitting through this movie, and despite all the mayhem and torture, in the end the only real suffering is reserved for the viewer.
Seen Knock Knock and have a different opinion? Do let me know what you thought horror fans, and as always be a peach and click that Like button 😉