I love horror movies. Love them truly, madly, deeply and more than anything, I love them so obsessively that I barely watch anything else.
Unfortunately, many people still consider horror a lowbrow genre made up of weak plots, shitty effects and worse performances; this, of course, is completely incorrect.
Anyone who has experienced the utter perfection of horror masterpieces like The Exorcist, Rosemary’s Baby, The Babadook, A Nightmare on Elm Street (the original) and many, many more, knows very well that horror movies are not only unjustly maligned, but are in fact, often the most brilliantly entertaining part of the film industry.
Having said that, I can also attest that movies like The Drownsman, an overwhelmingly bad horror offering by writer/director Chad Archibald, give all other horror films a bad name. Yes, The Drownsman is THAT bad.
First, let me take a moment and harp about the characters, which are not only paper thin, but also so grotesquely unlikable I could barely wait to see them get bumped off. We open on a happy quartet of ladies who are celebrating one of their engagements, suddenly, due to an accident so silly I can barely even remember it as I write this, one of their number almost drowns and after an otherworldly encounter with the titular villain, develops a sever case of hydrophobia (fear of water). This fear becomes so intense and unmanageable, that one year later Madison (Michelle Mylett) is unable to leave her home to attend her BFF’s wedding, because it’s raining and she sees visions of The Drownsman when water is anywhere near.
Did I mention that she’s also injecting herself with fluids ’cause she’s too scared to drink a glass of water?
Despite this crippling fear of wet stuff (which makes me wonder how/if she bathes), Madie’s best friends see fit to have a makeshift intervention and insist that she either let them dunk her into a tub of water to prove she’s willing to get past her fears or she’s out of their lives for good.
What. The. Fuck?
Seriously Mr. Archibald, do you really think women are such colossal bitches with their nearest and dearest? I must say I found that particular bit really fucking annoying. Not that we women are not, on occasion, capable of being creatures of pure earth-shattering evil, but fuck, give females more credit than that.
Ahem…so the intervention is a disastrous failure (probably ’cause all these chicks are idiots), during which Madie is almost drowned…again…and The Drownsman is unleashed on the circle of friends (natch).
What follows is a plethora of misplaced horror movie clichés, inane dialogue, wooden performances and a plot so asinine I couldn’t help but feel like I was insulting my own intelligence simply by continuing to watch this ridiculous crap.
And no, I’m really not trying to be a bitch right now (although I may be succeeding), The Drownsman really is just plain awful. Seriously, this dude shows up in fucking wet spots on tables, puddles and goddamn water bottles, it’s not exactly nightmare fuel to to have a villain who might pop out of a toilet. Although I suppose the whole water thing could be vaguely reminiscent of The Ring, if The Ring was a terrible fucking movie and the audience kept rooting for Naomi Watts to die.
There is not one single thing I can recommend about The Drownsman, so save your money, save your time and more than anything save your brain cells, cause the only thing The Drownsman will make you feel by its tepid ending, is dumber.