The Terrible Ten: 2015’s Most Avoidable Horror Movies

Oh the giddy joy of the “the worst list”…it’s awful to admit it, but writing about terrible movies is so much fun I’m almost ashamed of myself…I’m not quite there yet, but I’m working up to feeling actual shame.

But let’s not talk about that, instead let’s focus on the worst, most awful horror movies that the last year has had to offer…come on now, you know you want to.

I gotta say, 2015 has been a good year for bad movies, so good in fact, that boiling it down to only ten titles took some actual effort on my part, but here it is, for your enjoyment you kickass horror fans, the most easily avoidable horror films of 2015 (in no particular order).

 

Knock Knock

 

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I must say, that this particular title was the most disappointing of the bunch for me, mainly because Keanu Reeves had just rocked my world in the brilliant action flick John Wick, and then he went and made this sucktastic piece of high handed crap and just ruined it for me. In Knock Knock, Reeves plays a devoted husband who is “seduced” by two drop dead gorgeous women (Ana de Armas and Lorenza Izzo) who then proceed to destroy everything he holds dear…and as a whole the movie is so awful you will not give one fuck about what is happening to poor, scenery chewing Keanu.

Of course Keanu can’t take all the blame, this cinematic abortion was written and directed by none other than fallen horror god (yeah, I said it) Eli Roth, so some (all) of the responsibility of the sheer suckage can be placed squarely in Roth’s lap.

Shit, this movie made me mad…I mean, I love Eli Roth, Hostel 2 was the shit (in frikin italics) and everyone knows it, but this, THIS movie makes me wanna give up on horror altogether and join a Twilight fan club…okay maybe it’s not quite that bad…no wait, yes it is!

 

Gnome Alone

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I often wonder about the process of film making, in particular, I wonder how movies get greenlit, most specifically pieces of shit like Gnome Alone. I mean, one would think that the concept of Verne Troyer as an evil gnome would merit a pass from any movie studio, and yet, somehow, here it is, a movie starring Troyer as an evil, supposedly frightening gnome.

Okay then…

Not that I don’t think little people can play villains, because Warwick Davis was the MAN in Leprechaun, but Troyer’s turn as the titular mythical menace leaves a lot to be desired. Firstly, the gnome seems about as intimidating as a scabby kitty, which would be bad enough, but coupled with horrifically bad dialogue, soft-core porn level acting and a storyline that could only accurately be described as acutely idiotic, Gnome Alone is a steaming mess of a movie in every way imaginable.

 

Poltergeist

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There are certain magical times in a gal’s life when she’s just got to throw all decorum to the wind, and scream “I told you this was gonna suck bitches”…well, picture me doing just that when it comes to this super shitty (totally unnecessary) remake.

Come on, let’s face it, no one (but NO ONE) could have possibly thought that a remake to Poltergeist, arguably one of the greatest horror films ever made, was gonna end up being anything but a cheap, over-hyped imitation so craptastic it would bend space time and bring on the End of Days. Okay, obviously Poltergeist isn’t bad enough to break the world, but this updated tale of a family trapped in a haunted house with daughter-snatching ghosts is a bland, completely forgettable flick that would suck even it wasn’t a remake of an undeniable classic. Even Jared Harris, who is so awesome he can probably walk on water, could not save this tripe…my suggestion, skip this junk and watch the original instead.

 

The Human Centipede 3: Final Sequence

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I really don’t think I need to explain why The Human Centipede 3 is an awful fucking movie…but I will anyway.

HC3, like its two predecessors, is really only about forcing people to eat crap, literally. Some other stuff happens in this latest atrocity written and directed by German poop fetishist Tom Six, including “boiling water boarding”, castration and the eating of cooked testicles and dried clitorises (not kidding), but let’s be honest, no one goes to see the films in this series to see anything other than human beings being sewn together ass to mouth for the sole purpose of making them eat crap.

Well, if that’s what you’re into, you’ll definitely be getting a lot of it here, because this particular human centipede is 500 people long…500 people attached in a most unsanitary way…ewwww.

I have nothing good to say here, this movie is as unforgivably awful and disgusting as the other two movies in the series and should probably not be viewed by anyone..for any reason…ever…sigh.

 

The Exorcism of Molly Hartley

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To quote myself: “Sequels are always kinda touch and go, some are good, some are great, some, like this one, are the cinematic equivalent of eating week old fried chicken…nasty, unsatisfying and guaranteed to make you wish you’d never tried it in the first place.”

This mind-numbingly bad continuation of the (unbelievably stupid) adventures of Molly Hartley is a very bad… so very, very bad, that I have now happily suppressed the whole thing from my memory. Should you, however, be considering trying this one out, click here for my spoiler ridden review and spare yourselves the suffering.

 

The Boy Next Door

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You know what? Jennifer Lopez is a beautiful woman…and she has a lovely body and looks very nice both in and out of her clothing…oh and also, her co-star Ryan Guzman is equally super hawt and totally able to speak words comprehensibly…there, I have said something nice about The Boy Next Door, yay me!

Apart from the physical charms of the two main stars, however, this awful flick about a teacher (Lopez) whose unsexy dalliance with one of her students quickly turns deadly, is absolutely torturous to sit through…and by torturous I mean silly, formulaic,  badly scripted/acted/directed and more than anything, unforgivably dull. I’ve honestly seen pornos with better storylines and more believable chemistry between the leads…so I guess what I’m saying is, go watch a porno instead.

 

The Gallows

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What can I say about this wretched, hand-held indie to accurately describe how truly terrible it is…

How about this? I have watched this movie about a misguided troupe of high school drama students trying to resurrect a failed play with a tragic past, a grand total of four times and for some inexplicable reason I have NO recollection of it whatsoever…and I’m being 100% serious.

Now, my lack of memory isn’t proof positive that this is an awful movie, but let’s be honest, no one ever forgot The Exorcist or The Godfather. Good movies aren’t usually forgettable, they stick with you, but in this case, the credits will barely be done running before The Gallows will be all but gone from your memory.

 

The Lazarus Effect

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This misguided tale about a team of young scientists who discover the secret to resurrecting the newly dead, had so very much potential (and a misleadingly intriguing trailer) that I was genuinely disappointed to find it was nothing more than an empty, half-baked Flatliners ripoff. Worst part of the whole sordid affair, is that nothing (but NOTHING) happens in the first bloody hour of the movie, and when the plot does finally begin unwinding, the events are so unoriginal and really just flat out uninspired that I could barely summon up enough interest to care about what was happening.

 

Muck

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This is one of those instances where the title of the film really does explain EVERYTHING you really need to know about a movie.

Plainly speaking, this nasty cinematic mess really is the pile of festering trash that its title implies, and there is really no reason for anyone to subject themselves to this awful flick.

 

#Horror

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If there was an award for the year’s most pretentious horror film, #Horror would win it, hands fucking down.

A movie about cyber bullying gone mad, #Horror tries very hard to be less horror and more art film, but instead only manages to sacrifice all substance and sense in pursuit of style. Couple that with uninteresting characters and a pointless storyline, and you have a recipe for a downright horrific experience…and not in a good way.

 

Dishonorable Mention: Sinister 2, Some Kind of Hate, The Vatican Tapes & Paranormal Activity: The Ghost Dimension

 

Lemme know what you thought of The Most Avoidable Horror Movies of 2015 horror fans, did I miss any truly bad flicks? Drop me a line with you thoughts, and as always, if you like what you’ve read here at A Girl’s Guide to Horror, be a peach and give us a share…and don’t forget to click that Like button 😉

 

 

 

2 thoughts on “The Terrible Ten: 2015’s Most Avoidable Horror Movies

  1. Thanks for the heads up! A couple of these are on my must-watch list, so I’m glad to get another perspective. However:

    Human Centipede Anything-WTF is wrong with people? Is the whole series about doing something because it can be done, but not necessarily because it should be done? Again, thanks for doing the research so I don’t have to.

  2. Hi,
    Loved the list. I couldn’t get thru the whole human centipede 3 movie. I watched the first 2 and laughed hysterically at the nonsense but 3, good lord! I couldn’t stand the acting… or lack there of. You missed Unfriended; a story of a bunch of high school friends behind tormented by a girl they bullied and eventually killed herself. The whole movie is set on the Internet with them all on Skype or chat. It was awful!

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